These words have always been on the back of my old notebooks, written on the shade of the fading black tint. I sought comfort and release through scribbling. Its always been like this, overthinking about almost everything. When it’s past midnight and I couldn’t sleep, I think of all the possible things I could’ve done if I were better. Intrusive thoughts and self-inflicted pains will attack me like monsters under my bed. Pillowcases will plead for replacement because it is soaked with my tears. Regardless, I also remind myself every day that I don’t need the validation of others, that I am better and that my mistakes do not make me less of a human. But most of the time I feel like I’m back at square one. Battling every day over this exact same sh*t. Who wouldn’t get tired? Looking at the mirror, reflecting my insecurities and doubts. Tears will haunt you naturally the way your anxiety did. It kicks into your system, digging to its deepest brim, intentionally breaking your stability, and eventually leads to breakdowns. I never wanted this, falling into the pit of the dungeon where everything was dark and fear enveloped your being.
I always cry during my rough days like it’s the only way to ease the pain. There was one time when I feel like I’m just empty like there’s no hope left because I feel left out. I was just on my phone and those thoughts came back. My tears immediately fell and my heart kept on clenching, hurting me more. I want to stop weeping because I don’t want them to know how empty I actually was. I was scared of the stigma and judgment. These fear and anxieties and sadness, they’re real, they all are. When you just want to isolate yourself and be at peace for doing so. When you just want to put on good music to feel less alone.
I failed and I blame myself every day. No matter how hard I motivate myself, convincing myself that it’s fine, I’ll always end up questioning myself, doubting my self-worth over and over again. I feel inferior to others, especially when compared. I hate myself for being vulnerable. I’m always at the peak of self-destruction but never meeting it. I cannot understand myself. My mind is going on haywire.
Nonetheless, I always remind myself that not all feelings have a name and breakdowns are okay. I somehow realized that in every breakdown, there is always a recovery. It’s okay to rest, to feel the disappointment and fear because we are humans, we are allowed to feel.
My anxieties came back sooner than expected. I was down for the past months. I used social media to reach out and to find the motivation to rise from my falls. I always check some good to read excerpts on Instagram and it somehow calmed my mind and prevents me from further self-destruction. There are always stories to read for anxiety, recovery and eventually healing.
Let’s admit it we all have our rough days. We cry and breakdown and when asked: “Why?” There is no exact answer for the bottled up emptiness and sadness. We all have very different reasons to cry which is normal because pain and fear exists in everyone.
Let us all break the stigma. Let’s consider their fights we do not see, the tears behind the smile. We don’t want this. Depression and anxiety don’t choose their victims.
We should check on our loved ones and friends every time. A simple “How are you?” and “I miss you.” can save a life. Let’s lend our ears and really listen.
To all of us and to whoever reading this, I know that it’s hard for us to reach out and seek help because of the current situation where almost everything around can trigger us. Remember, please don’t hesitate to talk to someone because trust me, it really feels better, having someone care for you.
Always remember that you are worthier than what people think of you. You are not alone on this battlefield. Many have already had their fair share of similar struggles you’ve been facing right now and they have risen above it. They too have stumbled, cried, and wept. They too are in deep pain, they hurt themselves. They felt empty. And I am one of them. You are not alone. It’s okay to cry to feel pain and disappointment. Heal at your own pace. We are here to survive. We are our own tributes to this battlefield so let’s put up a good fight. We are not any less worthy because of our pitfalls. We are made stronger from our scars. Let’s choose to be more cause we can be more. Recovery is worth the fight!
– Julianne Almacen
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