#VoicesOfHope: He saved my life twice

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[TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses suicidal feelings and attempts of self-harm]

Hi,

I just wanna share this story of mine and how I overcome depression and anxiety and how God saved my life. My dad left before I was even born and disown me as his daughter, my mom? She left me to work in Manila when I was 4 years old. Growing up, I feel like there’s a huge space between me and my mom. I can hardly remember her face, hindi ko alam kung anong boses niya sa personal, hindi ko man lang alam kung anong pakiramdam ng haplos at yakap niya.

My dad… I see him everyday, yun nga lang hindi kami nagpapansinan. Halos magkapitbahay lang din kami. Bumalik si mama galing Manila nung 9 years old ako, kasama ko na siya pero di ko padin ramdam yung sinasabi nilang bond between mother and daughter.

Growing up, I’m all fed up with harsh and hurtful words from my family, they body shamed me, laugh at my insecurities. Hindi ko nalang pinansin kasi akala ko natural lang naman yun. Not until napapansin ko na na nawalan na ako ng confidence sa sarili ko, everytime nasa crowded place ako hindi ako komportable, tuwing tinitingnan ako ng tao feeling ko pinagtatawanan nila ako. May mga pagkakataon pang nangiginig at naluluha na ako. People around me expected me to be just like my family, mga matatalino, maraming talent. But then I always disappoint them. Minsan, hindi pa sila naniniwala na anak ako ni mama.

My first attempt happened on Valentines day, 2 years ago, 15 years old pa lang ako nun. But no, hindi ako nagtangkang magpakamatay dahil sa pag ibig, sumali ako nun sa love letter writing sa campus namin. Natalo ako, I didn’t tell my family that I joined the competition coz I want to surprise them, para kasi sakin mag iiba yung trato nila sakin pag nanalo ako, last time I feel loved by them ay nung nanalo ako sa press conference, I want to feel that again but then wala, natalo. Pag dating ko sa bahay halos puro mura pa naabutan ko. Napuno ako, so I get the blade and cut my wrist. Unang hiwa, hindi masyadong malalim, when I was about to slit it again ay biglang nagsalita si tita sa likod so hindi ko natuloy. I become whole different person after that. Minsan nalang ako ngumingiti, parang pasan pasan ko yung mundo. But I tried to change it, with the help of my friends and my adviser, I get over it.

Second attempt, last year lang, Yun na yung worst mental breakdown ko, nanginginig na ako ng sobra at wala na akong pagdadalawang isip sa gagawin ko. So I got my meds and pour all of it in my hand, kukuha na ako ng tubig pero bigla kong nabitawan lahat ng gamot sa sahig, saktong basa ang sahig so hindi ko na yung makukuha. Hinang hina ako habang papasok ng kwarto ko, and then he gave me a sign. Yung calligraphy na ginawa ko yung “Stay Alive, I love you, you are worthy” at yung “Padayon future Psychologist” and then that little voice in my mind said “Ano nga ulit yung reason ba’t gusto mong maging Psychologist? Diba para makatulong? Paano mo yan magagawa kung magpapakamatay ka?” I literally cried after that, naalala ko din yung una kong pagtangkang magpakamatay.

He saved my life again, I feel bad for myself bakit ko nagawa yun? Nung tinalikuran na ako ng lahat nagstay parin yung sarili ko, kung hindi nila ako kayang tanggapin kailangan ko nadin bang ikahiya at itakwil ang sarili ko? So I loved myself more, stay away from toxic people and try to live a peaceful life, besides… bata pa ako. Marami pa akong mararanasang problema, and I’ll face all of it—much braver this time, through God’s guidance. This is my story, and God… saved my life twice.

 

Editor’s note: Faith and spirituality is known to be a coping mechanism for problems related to mental health. Aside from this, peer support, professional counseling and even physical exercise has been proven to help people with different mental health issues. Please visit our directory for a list of extensive mental health services available in the Philippines or call the NCMH hotline (09178998727) for emergencies.
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