I was born on Independence Day, a day of freedom for the rest of the Filipinos, yet ironically I spend years wondering when I would be free – from pains, insecurities, worries, and fears.

I was an achiever growing up. On the outside, everything seemed smooth and perfect. I excelled in different fields: academics, journalism, dancing, sports, and was even elected as a muse. I received a lot of praises, but felt that in every praise I received came the higher expectations. I started to feel like all eyes were on me, that one single mistake would undo all the things I worked hard for.

I went to college carrying all the pressure of being a high achiever. I felt there was no room for me to show weakness and pretended that everything was going well. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was struggling. I was afraid to fail. My whole body shook every end of the semester when our grades were released.

I cried a lot because I was afraid to fail. The mere thought of disappointing people gave me nightmares. I felt this way for four years without realizing it wasn’t normal, and continued to push myself to study harder.

One would think relief came upon graduation day. But for me, my worries did not end there. It worsened because I knew everyone was looking forward to our licensure exams. The people around me expected I would pass. The pressure during this time was difficult and I felt lucky to have someone I could share my thoughts with. It lightened me when things felt heavy. This person was not approved by everybody, however. But instead of following expectations, in this case, I followed my heart. 

It took two weeks before the licensure exam results were released, and knowing what you know about me by now, you can only imagine the agony of waiting.

I found out my name was not on the list. It took days for me to internalize what was happening. My worst fear came true: I was a failure. Despite working hard all these years, this one mistake proved that I really was not good enough.

I stayed at home for two months. I deactivated all my socials and ignored everyone except for the one person who became my support system. As the days passed by however, I started to feel alone. I eventually found out that he betrayed me with somebody else in the most painful way. I immediately decided to remove him from my life, but the trauma unfortunately stayed.

It was all too much. I had already made all these plans when I graduated but none of it happened. I felt stuck and left with no other options. I felt scared to the extent that my body would start shaking every time I thought about what had happened. I couldn’t breathe properly. I barely slept and ate. Eventually, I felt I really needed help. I went to see a psychiatrist. 

I could hear the silence while I was alone with my doctor and initially felt really afraid. Once she smiled at me, I burst into tears and told her every detail of my story. I did not expect it would be so easy. 

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. It wasn’t new to me because I researched the symptoms I was feeling. I did keep this to myself at first, but when my brother reached out to me, I told him about it and he helped me with my medication. The rest of my immediate family also eventually found out, and my doctor also talked to my guardians as part of my therapy.

Unfortunately, I stopped taking my anxiety medications because I did not have a good experience with it. I had a full-blown panic attack that nearly brought me to the ER. I calmed down when my mom wrapped her arms around me and told me to breathe. 

I signed a waiver to stop taking my medications and went through a series of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). 

I told myself that since I no longer took medication, I had to exert extra effort to help myself. I followed every advice that my doctor gave me. I started meditating twice a day. I learned breathing techniques. I exercised, spent my spare time trying to distract my mind from negative thinking.  I  traveled to relax and unwind and eventually became a travel buff. I kept on doing these routines and after 5 months, I got my first job. I met new people, which at first made me so anxious. Slowly, I got used to my new job and my colleagues.  I noticed that I was starting to get back to my old self. Though the anxiety attacks were still there, I was already making a lot of progress, which I was glad about, so I decided to discontinue my therapy sessions but still constantly did my routines. While I still have my routines, I have also ventured into exploring new things. I’ve been interested in different ways of meditation. I recently enrolled in pole dancing lessons. And I’m still looking forward to more adventures that life has to offer.  

Four years have since passed, and while I still encountered a lot of challenges along the way, things still fell into place. I did not get a local license and was not hired in my dream company, but I do have international certification that led me to my current job in an Australian firm. I’m also in a relationship with a guy whom I’ve known for 13 years. He has been very patient with me when I was having anxiety attacks during the first couple of months that we were together. I am grateful that he always does the best way that he can to protect my mental health. All in all, it took me 2 years before I could finally say that I am better now.  

Having anxiety gave me a lot of worries and nervousness,  but it also led me to valuing and loving myself more. Every day is a new chance to heal from the past, make the present memorable, and to be excited for the future. To assure that I  can make this happen,

I’ve been waiting for this moment to share with everyone that I am a survivor and I want to let  everyone know that as long as you’re still breathing, no matter how heavy or hard it is, there is still hope. So please keep on fighting and give yourself a chance to live the life you wish to have. how you wanted to. Let’s all be free from all these pains, insecurities, worries and fears. Breathe in hope, breathe out despair.

Editor’s Note: Failure is a normal part of the human experience, but it makes us believe in the negative thoughts and doubts in our head saying we are not good enough. We hope this story reminds you that every day we are alive is a chance to start anew. Like the author, there is nothing wrong with asking for help to deal with this in a healthy way. Please feel free to visit our directory for a list of mental health services available in the Philippines, or call the NCMH hotline (09178998727) for emergencies.

The post #VoicesOfHope: Inhale Hope, Exhale Despair first appeared on MentalHealthPH.

The post #VoicesOfHope: Inhale Hope, Exhale Despair appeared first on MentalHealthPH.

Our parents made sure that we were raised with manners and discipline. We were punished for committing mistakes and breaking the rules by my father. My fear and feelings of inferiority then emerged at a young age. With this, I had to keep secrets from my family such as being homosexual (gay) as this adds more fear towards my father. Another secret that I hid from them was I became my neighbor’s victim– he took advantage of me. I did everything that he asked me to do as I was scared and felt as if this took my innocence as a child. Only my friends knew about all this. Carrying this experience through time was difficult for me.

A huge shift in my life happened when I graduated from college and had to search for a job. For the first time, I was away from my family and I had to deal with everything alone in Cebu City. Culture shock is real. The city is beautiful and a lot of things were happening in my life but this was also that point where my mental health started to deteriorate.

My frustrations and rejections from job hunting triggered this. I could not sleep at night, tend to overthink everything, felt excessively worried, sad, and unable to focus. My cousins pointed out that these were symptoms of a mental health problem. They immediately informed my mother about my condition.

After almost 2 months in Cebu, I was sent back home because they thought this would help me out. But my condition only worsened and by this time, I experienced deeper anxiety and depression. Majority of my family were not well-informed about mental health problems and how to address them. They brought me to fake doctors and “faith healers” but of course, none of these helped. Finally, my mother decided to look for a psychiatrist. Once we found one in Iligan City, I was prescribed medication to treat my condition. I saw to it that I took my medicine and even tried to change my lifestyle. I thought everything was going to be easy just like that.. But it was not. I decided to cut my medication since I felt like there was no development. Everything was a trial and I constantly asked myself when will all this come to an end. I felt pity for myself every time I thought about the possibility of recovery.

I remembered my guidance counselor from our campus who was a nun. I reached out to her to talk about my condition and asked if she could help me out. She then invited me to talk and without hesitation, she did help me out by giving advice and strategies to cope. Since then, I started to see a different perspective and felt encouraged to change. I listened to calm music, read stories of people who also suffered with mental health problems, and watched testimonies. The best thing that happened was she introduced me back to God and acknowledged His love and presence.

It was a tough journey overcoming my mental health problems. I thought it would not end. Surprisingly, God did it in mysterious ways. I feel better than before. I feel validated and assured that having mental health problems is not the end for me… that there is still hope. My family and friends also became supportive and did their part to help me stand and believe that I can overcome all this. It was a big deal to help me recover. I cannot completely say that I am already free from my condition but I am writing this to tell you all who are in the same situation as I am that there is hope and you will overcome this too.

For everyone who is suffering and has felt so much sadness, we are here.. Somewhere around the world, fighting this battle with you. And each of us may have different stories and situations, but it is comforting to know that we have this common ground. Believe that there is light in the midst of the storm and if I am able to overcome this… then so can you. God is always watching over you, my friend. He never fails to.

Editor’s note: Faith and spirituality is known to be a coping mechanism for problems related to mental health. Aside from this, peer support, professional counseling and even physical exercise has been proven to help people with different mental health issues. Please visit our directory for a list of extensive mental health services available in the Philippines or call the NCMH hotline (09178998727) for emergencies.

The post #VoicesOfHope: The Forbidden Past first appeared on MentalHealthPH.

The post #VoicesOfHope: The Forbidden Past appeared first on MentalHealthPH.

[TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses suicidal feelings and attempts of self-harm]

Hi,

I just wanna share this story of mine and how I overcome depression and anxiety and how God saved my life. My dad left before I was even born and disown me as his daughter, my mom? She left me to work in Manila when I was 4 years old. Growing up, I feel like there’s a huge space between me and my mom. I can hardly remember her face, hindi ko alam kung anong boses niya sa personal, hindi ko man lang alam kung anong pakiramdam ng haplos at yakap niya.

My dad… I see him everyday, yun nga lang hindi kami nagpapansinan. Halos magkapitbahay lang din kami. Bumalik si mama galing Manila nung 9 years old ako, kasama ko na siya pero di ko padin ramdam yung sinasabi nilang bond between mother and daughter.

Growing up, I’m all fed up with harsh and hurtful words from my family, they body shamed me, laugh at my insecurities. Hindi ko nalang pinansin kasi akala ko natural lang naman yun. Not until napapansin ko na na nawalan na ako ng confidence sa sarili ko, everytime nasa crowded place ako hindi ako komportable, tuwing tinitingnan ako ng tao feeling ko pinagtatawanan nila ako. May mga pagkakataon pang nangiginig at naluluha na ako. People around me expected me to be just like my family, mga matatalino, maraming talent. But then I always disappoint them. Minsan, hindi pa sila naniniwala na anak ako ni mama.

My first attempt happened on Valentines day, 2 years ago, 15 years old pa lang ako nun. But no, hindi ako nagtangkang magpakamatay dahil sa pag ibig, sumali ako nun sa love letter writing sa campus namin. Natalo ako, I didn’t tell my family that I joined the competition coz I want to surprise them, para kasi sakin mag iiba yung trato nila sakin pag nanalo ako, last time I feel loved by them ay nung nanalo ako sa press conference, I want to feel that again but then wala, natalo. Pag dating ko sa bahay halos puro mura pa naabutan ko. Napuno ako, so I get the blade and cut my wrist. Unang hiwa, hindi masyadong malalim, when I was about to slit it again ay biglang nagsalita si tita sa likod so hindi ko natuloy. I become whole different person after that. Minsan nalang ako ngumingiti, parang pasan pasan ko yung mundo. But I tried to change it, with the help of my friends and my adviser, I get over it.

Second attempt, last year lang, Yun na yung worst mental breakdown ko, nanginginig na ako ng sobra at wala na akong pagdadalawang isip sa gagawin ko. So I got my meds and pour all of it in my hand, kukuha na ako ng tubig pero bigla kong nabitawan lahat ng gamot sa sahig, saktong basa ang sahig so hindi ko na yung makukuha. Hinang hina ako habang papasok ng kwarto ko, and then he gave me a sign. Yung calligraphy na ginawa ko yung “Stay Alive, I love you, you are worthy” at yung “Padayon future Psychologist” and then that little voice in my mind said “Ano nga ulit yung reason ba’t gusto mong maging Psychologist? Diba para makatulong? Paano mo yan magagawa kung magpapakamatay ka?” I literally cried after that, naalala ko din yung una kong pagtangkang magpakamatay.

He saved my life again, I feel bad for myself bakit ko nagawa yun? Nung tinalikuran na ako ng lahat nagstay parin yung sarili ko, kung hindi nila ako kayang tanggapin kailangan ko nadin bang ikahiya at itakwil ang sarili ko? So I loved myself more, stay away from toxic people and try to live a peaceful life, besides… bata pa ako. Marami pa akong mararanasang problema, and I’ll face all of it—much braver this time, through God’s guidance. This is my story, and God… saved my life twice.

Editor’s note: Faith and spirituality is known to be a coping mechanism for problems related to mental health. Aside from this, peer support, professional counseling and even physical exercise has been proven to help people with different mental health issues. Please visit our directory for a list of extensive mental health services available in the Philippines or call the NCMH hotline (09178998727) for emergencies.

The post #VoicesOfHope: He saved my life twice first appeared on MentalHealthPH.

The post #VoicesOfHope: He saved my life twice appeared first on MentalHealthPH.