I wanted to fit their standards and I wanted to be like them. I was tired of hearing painful words about my body every single day. We live in a world where being thin was praised and losing weight was an accomplishment. I started dieting and exercising. After a few months, I lost a lot of weight. People started complimenting me for looking ‘healthy’ and for losing weight quickly. I got addicted to their compliments, I became obsessed with their words. I continued losing weight; they didn’t know I was barely eating. No one knew that I was starving myself and pushing myself to exercise even though I didn’t have much energy. I counted the food I put in my mouth. I planned every meal. Food was energy, but for me, food was dangerous.  

When me and my friends went out and took some pictures, I saw that I didn’t look happy anymore. I looked so weak and pale. I knew something was wrong with me, so I started researching about my situation until I found out I had an eating disorder. In our country, eating disorders were not well-known. We believe that this illness can only occur to rich people and women. 

I was trying to eat; I was trying to take care of myself. But I can’t handle the thoughts inside my head telling me that if I eat, I will be fat again. I was trying to recover alone but it was hard. I started losing a lot of hair, and didn’t get enough sleep at night. I became depressed about my situation. When I wake up every morning, I am already waiting for the sun to set because it was painful to live. I could not see hope anymore, and I thought I would stay this way for the rest of my life. I started to attempt suicide,, and my thoughts got worse. When I told my mom about it, I felt like I didn’t have a heavy heart anymore. That proves that asking for help or sharing your thoughts will help you feel a lot better because someone is helping you. I took a social media break for a month and started focusing on my recovery. When I already had the courage to open my social media apps, I deleted my Instagram account full of fitness influencers and diets that I know will trigger me. I made a new account and followed people who can help me recover. I found out that there were a lot of people going through the same situation. I knew that I was not alone. Sharing my thoughts and experiences and reading other people’s small wins and ideas helped me to continue living.

It’s hard to live a life with an eating disorder, especially as a man. It’s hard to ask professional help; it’s expensive, and facilities are hard to find. It’s hard to ask for help because of the stigma that men are strong and independent. One thing I learned is that  we all have different lives and we all have different mindsets. Our bodies are different and it’s okay. I was once blinded by unrealistic body standards. Now, I know that the healthiest you is not the smallest you. Now, I am spreading awareness about eating disorders and body image. I want everyone to know that eating disorders can affect all genders, all ages, all sizes, all people. There are a lot of Filipinos who suffer alone from body image issues and bad relationships with food. They don’t know where to ask for help. Eating disorders can affect Filipinos too and these issues are serious. Awareness is what we need in order to help others in need. Help is possible and Hope is always there. It is never too late to pick yourself up again and recover from doubt, and almost give up your life. My experiences made me stronger; my experiences helped open my eyes to the reality of this world. Let’s serve as an inspiration to others to see themselves as enough and worthy. Don’t drown in social media. Standards are unreachable. Don’t let them control your life. Be grateful for everything and keep learning. Keep exploring your life and discovering yourself. You deserve to live a wonderful life.

#VoiceOfHope: Never Impossible to Fix Yourself by Jan Jeabert Pleje

#MentalHealthPH believes that you and your story will help empower other people living with mental health problems and fight the stigma linked to it. Be a voice of hope! Submit your story here: bit.ly/VOHstory

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[TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses suicidal feelings and attempts of self-harm]

Hi,

I just wanna share this story of mine and how I overcome depression and anxiety and how God saved my life. My dad left before I was even born and disown me as his daughter, my mom? She left me to work in Manila when I was 4 years old. Growing up, I feel like there’s a huge space between me and my mom. I can hardly remember her face, hindi ko alam kung anong boses niya sa personal, hindi ko man lang alam kung anong pakiramdam ng haplos at yakap niya.

My dad… I see him everyday, yun nga lang hindi kami nagpapansinan. Halos magkapitbahay lang din kami. Bumalik si mama galing Manila nung 9 years old ako, kasama ko na siya pero di ko padin ramdam yung sinasabi nilang bond between mother and daughter.

Growing up, I’m all fed up with harsh and hurtful words from my family, they body shamed me, laugh at my insecurities. Hindi ko nalang pinansin kasi akala ko natural lang naman yun. Not until napapansin ko na na nawalan na ako ng confidence sa sarili ko, everytime nasa crowded place ako hindi ako komportable, tuwing tinitingnan ako ng tao feeling ko pinagtatawanan nila ako. May mga pagkakataon pang nangiginig at naluluha na ako. People around me expected me to be just like my family, mga matatalino, maraming talent. But then I always disappoint them. Minsan, hindi pa sila naniniwala na anak ako ni mama.

My first attempt happened on Valentines day, 2 years ago, 15 years old pa lang ako nun. But no, hindi ako nagtangkang magpakamatay dahil sa pag ibig, sumali ako nun sa love letter writing sa campus namin. Natalo ako, I didn’t tell my family that I joined the competition coz I want to surprise them, para kasi sakin mag iiba yung trato nila sakin pag nanalo ako, last time I feel loved by them ay nung nanalo ako sa press conference, I want to feel that again but then wala, natalo. Pag dating ko sa bahay halos puro mura pa naabutan ko. Napuno ako, so I get the blade and cut my wrist. Unang hiwa, hindi masyadong malalim, when I was about to slit it again ay biglang nagsalita si tita sa likod so hindi ko natuloy. I become whole different person after that. Minsan nalang ako ngumingiti, parang pasan pasan ko yung mundo. But I tried to change it, with the help of my friends and my adviser, I get over it.

Second attempt, last year lang, Yun na yung worst mental breakdown ko, nanginginig na ako ng sobra at wala na akong pagdadalawang isip sa gagawin ko. So I got my meds and pour all of it in my hand, kukuha na ako ng tubig pero bigla kong nabitawan lahat ng gamot sa sahig, saktong basa ang sahig so hindi ko na yung makukuha. Hinang hina ako habang papasok ng kwarto ko, and then he gave me a sign. Yung calligraphy na ginawa ko yung “Stay Alive, I love you, you are worthy” at yung “Padayon future Psychologist” and then that little voice in my mind said “Ano nga ulit yung reason ba’t gusto mong maging Psychologist? Diba para makatulong? Paano mo yan magagawa kung magpapakamatay ka?” I literally cried after that, naalala ko din yung una kong pagtangkang magpakamatay.

He saved my life again, I feel bad for myself bakit ko nagawa yun? Nung tinalikuran na ako ng lahat nagstay parin yung sarili ko, kung hindi nila ako kayang tanggapin kailangan ko nadin bang ikahiya at itakwil ang sarili ko? So I loved myself more, stay away from toxic people and try to live a peaceful life, besides… bata pa ako. Marami pa akong mararanasang problema, and I’ll face all of it—much braver this time, through God’s guidance. This is my story, and God… saved my life twice.

Editor’s note: Faith and spirituality is known to be a coping mechanism for problems related to mental health. Aside from this, peer support, professional counseling and even physical exercise has been proven to help people with different mental health issues. Please visit our directory for a list of extensive mental health services available in the Philippines or call the NCMH hotline (09178998727) for emergencies.

The post #VoicesOfHope: He saved my life twice first appeared on MentalHealthPH.

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Sure, my mom sometimes posted on social media about my achievements pero iba padin yung masabihan ka ng “proud kami sa’yo, anak.” Some of my friends had become professionals and nasa stage ako na “buti pa sila.” Pero, sabi nga ng iba, “don’t compare your success to others.” Yun na lang iniisip ko.

Whenever some of my friends passed the boards, I heard “buti pa si ganto, doctor na, teacher na, lawyer na, nurse na”. Ang sakit. Every time naririnig ko yun, nag walkout ako. Maybe this was the reason hindi ako close sa parents ko unlike ng iba.

Back in 2011, I took up Bachelor of Science in Information Technology at Bicol University. I studied there for a year. I ended up dropping some of my subjects kasi nahirapan ako. Though I developed software back then, iba yung programming language na gamit sa major subjects kaya nahirapan ako.

Long story short, my parents found out and I was dismissed from the university. I remember, umiyak ako sa harapan ng dad ko and I asked, “Pa, pwede pa ba ako mag aral?” That was the first time that I cried in front of my dad. My dad said yes and I enrolled in a two-year Associate Degree in Computer Programming. I graduated in 2015.

After graduation, I was ready to look for a job in the IT industry pero ang taas ng qualifications nila. So, I decided to shift my career to the hospitality Industry because, aside from creating applications and software, I also loved cooking.

It was in June 2015 that I took up BS Hotel and Restaurant Management. My plan was to go abroad and work on a cruise ship. I got my bachelor’s degree in April 2019.

2018 I think was a difficult year of my life. I was always anxious about the future. Iniisip ko, “ito na ba yung para sakin? Magiging successful ba ako sa career na pinili ko? Magiging proud ba sila sa akin?” Isa pang iniisip ko was, “this is my second course, marami nang nagasto ang parents ko just to send me to school. Ito na ba yun?” September of 2018 was also when my girlfriend broke up with me.

Parang pile up na lahat nung 2018 and that led me to consider ending my life. I was suicidal. I became alcoholic so I could calm myself. I remember when I was ready to jump with a rope around my neck, I was crying, inisiip ko yung mga maiiwan ko sa mundong to: mga nag mamahal sakin, my friends, and my family. Parang may nagyayakap sa akin that time and I grabbed the Bible. I opened it to Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” And after mabasa ko yung verse na yun, I cried a lot. After that, lagi na akong nasa simbahan.

November 2018 nung bago ako matulog, I remember I was scrolling through the newsfeed and yung kaibigan kong pari nagpost, “when you can’t sleep, talk to God.” So I did, I prayed and talked to Him about everything. While praying, I felt sleepy. After I ended my prayer, nakatulog ako agad and I remembered dreaming. I was climbing a very high mountain. When I reached the top, sobrang liwanag. While walking, may nakita akong tao sa gitna ng liwanag and he was wearing a white robe with a red stole. It was Jesus. Sobrang liwanag. I can’t explain the joy nung time na yun. We had a conversation. Alam mo yun, yung nag-uusap kayo pero sa isip. Nung papalapit na ako sa kanya, may force naman na nag-pull sa katawan ko. And just like that, I woke up and it was 3 am.

1 hour na pala yun.

Later that morning, I told my mom about my experience. Sabi nya, “talaga? Ano kaya ibig-sabihin nun?” Sabi ng uncle ko, “baka sign yan na magpari ka?”

Sinabi ko rin ‘to sa kaibigan kong pari and he said the same thing: “maybe that’s a sign that Jesus wants you to be a priest.”

Year 2019 was a year of hope for me. My priest friend encouraged me to enter the seminary. Sabi niya, “try mo lang, kasi dyan mo malalaman kung ‘yan ba talaga ang calling mo.”

March 2019, I took the exam at Our Lady of Peñafrancia Minor Seminary. I got the result after a month. I passed.

I remember Holy Week nun. Sinabi ko sa family ko na I passed the exam in the seminary. Yung ibang relatives ko masaya sila pero my mom, parang ayaw nya. But after that, parang I was still searching for something. Maybe I had a different calling. So, I went to Manila June of 2019 to search for a job. Dun ko na experience na ang hirap pala maghanap ng trabaho sa Manila. Almost two months straight akong naghahanap ng work. To be honest ready na ako mag-give up that time, but God is good. Na-hire ako 27 August 2019, two days before my birthday. I have been working for a BPO company in Pasay for almost a year.

I was planning to enter the seminary again on January of 2020. This time, it was the Holy Apostles Senior Seminary in Makati. It was a seminary for late vocations and professionals. Nag-inquire ako online and nag-share din ako ng short background about myself, but I didn’t get a response after that. Siguro di talaga ito para sakin.

March 2020, Manila was on full lockdown. Di ako nakauwi ng Bicol that time due to the travel ban. I stayed in Manila for almost three months. June of 2020 nung nakauwi na ako ng Bicol, sabi ko sa sarili ko, “babalik pa ba ako dun?” I decided to stay here in Bicol.

My dad is a doctor. Whenever my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, sinasabi ko agad gusto ko maging doctor kasi gusto ko kagaya ni Papa para matulungan yung mga maysakit.

When CHED waived the National Medical Admission Test this school year, I grabbed the opportunity to enroll in med school and follow the footsteps of my father. Maybe this is God’s way of saying na hindi talaga sa priesthood yung calling ko, pero sa pagiging doctor. Hindi man through preaching but to save lives.

Nung interview ko sa med school, sabi ni Dean, “pag doctor ka na, do you promise to serve the poorest of the poor?” I immediately said “yes.”

Now, I am a 1^st year medical student at Bicol Christian College of Medicine. I will continue to follow my father’s footsteps to heal the sick as Jesus also did. We serve God by serving others.

This is my story.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

The post #VoicesOfHope: Following the Great Physician first appeared on MentalHealthPH.

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